Margaret Thatcher and Oprah Winfrey may not make for natural bedfellows, but they are united by one thing: charisma. The trait, according to Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of Science People, a “soft skills” training platform, requires just the right blend of warmth and competence. Van Edwards says that even the most introverted among us can learn how to be charismatic by tweaking our own body language and reading the signals in others, ensuring that “you’ll never be underestimated, overlooked, or misunderstood again”.

Cues come in four kinds, according to Van Edwards: nonverbal, vocal, verbal and imagery. From flashing our palms to the direction in which we point our toes, these signals “are a universal social lubricant: they just make everything run more smoothly”. Correctly blended, they have the power to make or break careers and romantic pursuits, Van Edwards, a bestselling author whose TED Talks and YouTube videos have been viewed over 50 million times, believes.

Just how easy is it to enter what she calls the “charisma zone”? “I’m a recovering awkward person… I’m not at all charismatic,” the 36-year-old says. Recognising when and how to dial up our warmth and competence cues are key – and more of us need to master this art, she thinks. Here’s how to use cues to your advantage, no matter the scenario:

With a difficult boss

Warm cues include seeming trustworthy, collaborative, kind and open; those displaying competent cues are impressive, powerful, capable and effective, Van Edwards explains. If you want to make senior colleagues like you, “warm cues are going to be the fastest type of gasoline”; if you want them to know you’re capable of getting things done, revert to competent ones instead. The two most critical questions we ask about each other – can I trust you and can I rely on you? – depend on warmth and competence, she adds. Understanding which of the two traits they tend towards “is the key to unlocking how you can get on the same page as them”.

Van Edwards has worked with companies including Google, Amazon, Facebook and Microsoft, and says that whenever an employee rails at being unable to see eye to eye with their boss, “I always know this is a cue problem”. She suggests “mirroring and matching” the verbal cues they give off in emails – “literally using their same language” – to demonstrate that you understand them. Don’t immediately copy every word they say, as the transition needs to feel natural: “It’s like a thermostat; you want to slowly dial up.”

With a partner

Oxytocin, the happiness hormone, “is the chemical of trust and connection”, Van Edwards says. Emitted through touch, even small amounts can build bonds: she suggests holding hands when talking, sitting near one another and fully facing your partner when speaking, which “is going to help you chemically get on the same page”.

She suggests facing them fully, in a show of physical alignment: as for verbal cues, murmurs of agreement can be “very soft and subtle, like a warming blanket”. For under-expressive types who don’t smile or nod much, these signals say: “I hear you, keep going, I’m with you.”

The major modern derailer of cues are mobile phones, says Van Edwards, which are akin to “adding an extra person to every interaction”. Mobiles on the table at dinner, say, monopolise our attention and eye contact; the flash of messages or notifications popping up “adding [to our] social load… the last thing we need is two more devices that we have to attend to.”

In a job interview

You don’t need to decode the other person’s body language so much here as they will be focused on yours, meaning “you can focus all of your energy on hitting that sweet spot of warmth and competence”. Van Edwards says the main error she sees interviewees commit is when sitting outside the waiting room, hunched over their phones. First impressions are formed in a fraction of a second, so don’t let your would-be boss catch you in the “defeat position”. Look out of the window instead of downward at a device, she suggests, or speak with the receptionist.

During the interview itself, make sure you have plenty of palm-facing interaction. “Our hands are an incredibly important part of bonding,” she explains, tracing back to our caveman days, where closed palms would raise concern that a weapon was being concealed. Wave on meeting, and gesticulate as you speak: ramping up warmth and openness cues “really helps with that trust factor”.

With someone you don’t like

Whether it’s a friend’s partner or a colleague, dislike “typically stems from feeling different to them; feeling like you have nothing in common”, Van Edwards explains. Faking it until you make it doesn’t work, as that inauthenticity will soon out. She suggests finding three things that you can agree upon – even if that’s as simple as the coffee you’re drinking – as “every time we have a mutual like with someone, we have a similarity attraction effect”, making us more drawn to them. This in turn makes it easier for us to show warmth cues, and mean them. If that fails, she suggests the Franklin effect – named after the former US president – in which you ask the person you’re struggling to connect with for advice, building rapport that way instead.

When negotiating

“Research finds that when you mirror and match your negotiator, you are more likely to get a better deal” – on everything from car purchase to a work promotion, according to Van Edwards. She says the biggest mistake people make in these scenarios is the question inflection, where people’s voices rise at the end of a sentence. This reveals your own uncertainty, which the person you’re negotiating with will adopt, too. “That is giving away your power.”

Former German Chancellor Angela Merkel favours the 'steeple' to convey confidence. Photo: Getty. 

Understanding cues

Power posture

“Your posture is the single most important cue for signalling confidence to others,” Van Edwards explains. “The more powerful you feel, the more space you take up, the more powerful you look… When we feel powerless or anxious, we take up less space, so we’re less noticeable to others.” She suggests a three-step posture evaluation: relaxing shoulders, placing feet three inches further apart than usual, and keeping space between the arms and torso.

Steeple

Favoured by Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron and Theresa May, steepling involves touching fingertips together while palms face one another (resembling a church steeple). Research has found that it denotes a state of relaxation – anxious people tense their grip, or hold a fist. Van Edwards says it shows “confident contemplation”, as well as reducing fidgeting. With fingers splayed and palms visible, people are more likely to believe nothing is being concealed from them.

Palm power

Waves, blowing kisses, holding her arms aloft: Evita was the master of the palm flash, Van Edwards says. They can “speak for you”, she adds, as well as emphasising verbal points. “The single best way to showcase your palms is to flash them instead of pointing. An open palm is an invitation, while a finger point is an accusation.”

Blocking

This usually manifests in an arm in front of a torso, creating a physical barrier between us and others. “When we try to get away from something or someone, we need to physically distance ourselves, sometimes literally pulling back.” This can also be a sign of guilt, according to Van Edwards; the antithesis to open palms, which signal innocence.

Fronting

Fronting hinges on the three Ts: toes, torso and top. We angle these towards what we’re paying attention to – so seeing where someone’s feet are pointing “is a great cue to know what someone is thinking about”, Van Edwards says. Fronting is a signifier of respect, she adds. “The fastest way to show someone that you’re interested, present and engaged is to fully square your body toward them.”

Narrow eyes

A sign of “intensity, judgment and scrutiny”, this cue is neither positive or negative, and should be used judiciously so as not to be misinterpreted. She advises using it when looking to demonstrate focus, stop interruptions and encourage someone to expand on a point; don’t flex for more than five seconds, and definitely don’t do so when you want someone to stop talking, as they’ll misread it as a sign of interest.

Hunching

“One of the most uncharismatic things you can do is lean back, slouch, or recline while someone is sharing something that’s important to them,” says Van Edwards, adding that our devices are primed to shunt us into what she calls the Danger Zone. Even when scrolling, pivoting your phone upwards and keeping shoulders back will help “to maintain a powerful presence.”

Vanessa Van Edwards is author of Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication, RRP$40, Penguin.

© Charlotte Lytton / Telegraph Media Group Limited 2022
This story was originally published in The Telegraph and is reproduced with permission.