The Fail File: world champion boxer Mea Motu

Each fortnight, Victoria Carter speaks to a prominent figure about failure and disappointment – and what they learned. Today, her guest is the International Boxing Organisation's world super bantamweight champion.

I was disappointed ... when I won my world title. I didn’t feel like a winner, I actually felt like a failure. I didn’t think I was good enough to have won it. I went into the ring to survive – I had a broken rib and I hadn’t told my coach. 

I should have gone into the ring with more thought. I hit rock-bottom. I felt so disappointed with what I had given. I felt empty after winning. I had no emotions. It took about three days to feel good. 

It was the first time I’d talked about the domestic violence in my life. I lost who I was as a pro boxer; I’d been silent for eight years. It was healing and traumatising, but I let the trauma captivate me. I felt I was drowning in my own trauma and unable to let the thrill of being a champion come through.

Two weeks after my fight, things slowed down. I was putting myself first and then I began to reflect, 'Wow, I won! I did it with a broken rib – pretty cool. I was at peace, I realised. I’d survived the violence, pushed through the fight, I deserved to be happy, I’d worked so hard.

I also realised that ... me being a professional boxer, my mental strength wasn’t because of the domestic violence or being homeless, but as a result of my work ethic and sacrifice. I work hard, I push myself, sometimes I train twice a day. Recognising this helped me leave some baggage behind. I also realised I got through the violence because I knew I was loved. I came from a loving family. I was surrounded by lots of family. My cousins would say when we were playing, "Don’t give up." I'm resilient, despite the hardships I’ve had. 

I’ve struggled with ... mental health, abuse – mental and physical – I’ve been homeless several times, including when I had kids, and those memories are still with me. I used to ask myself could it get any worse? Then pull myself back.

Some days you can still feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, but you have to keep digging deep for that attitude. How badly do I want it? The same is true with life.

Even when you’ve had a rubbish day at training, you’ve got to pick yourself up, come back the next day and try again. The next day you mightn’t be pleased with your results again, but look for the small positives. You might have gone faster on the bike. We need to appreciate the small things we've done. 

What I’ve learned is ... there's always something positive, no matter how bad the day!

My most embarrassing moment was ... Well, I’ve had quite a few, and most of the time it’s awkward for the other person, too. One moment – and I still feel awful remembering it – was when I was taking a class and I called out someone’s name and it was the wrong name. I’ve known this person for years and I was yelling, "What’s your name?" Everyone looked at me wondering what was going on; they knew I knew him. It was Moses and I knew his name but at that moment I just couldn’t remember it. I felt stupid! 

What do I know? I know I’m a really great mum [to David, 16, Lani,15, Tutanekai,10, Shae, 4, and Daniele, 3]. I’ve done my best for my children and I’ve got more to give. And I know I’m one of the best pro-fighters in the world. 

I’m passionate about ... people changing their beliefs, that they can be great, that it’s OK to be uncomfortable, to be ashamed, have failure, but we can come back from that better than we were. 

I know I'm "Mea Motu, the NightMea" [Mea's fight name, given to her by Zen, the eight-year-old son of her coach, Isaac Peach]. I've lived my life as a nightmare and now I’ve walked through it. Now, it’s my turn to show others a way to get through their nightmare, their mental challenges, or their physical abuse. 

You can feel like a failure at life, at work, but I’m all about the fact you can change. You can get through your struggles, be in that deep hole and come out. When you hit the uncomfortable and push through it, you can beat anything. 

Now my biggest passion is to help people change the narrative of how they think. Most people have no idea how strong they are, their hidden strength. If you use this attitude daily, at work, at school, you’ll build resilience. Then you won’t back down when someone wants to take you down. 

It’s OK to be ashamed, feel embarrassed. Most of us only find our backbone when we are pushed into a corner. There's always going to be someone who triggers you. Take the negative and turn it into a positive, make it something useful.

The best thing that ever happened to me ...  was walking into this gym. My coach, Isaac Peach, reached out to me on Facebook and said come and try us out. My motive was to train to lose weight. He said, “Nope, you’re going to fight.” He saw something special in me that I didn’t even know was there. His wife, Alina, also believed in me and has worked hard with me. In only two and a half years I’ve done it.

What have your children taught you? 

My kids have taught me the most. They’ve taught me to love, to forget and forgive, and that it’s okay to fail. They’ve taught me how to be patient. They're patient kids. They take their time, and remind me, “We’ll get there, what’s the rush?”, and often they're right! 

My proudest moments have been giving birth to my five kids. My kids keep me alive and keep me going. Time with your kids is so precious. Too many people just don’t realise.

The father of three of my kids is in jail. Last year, one of my sons had some challenges and didn’t know who to talk to. He wanted to talk to his dad, but he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t speak ill of their dad. He’s still their father. I realised I was controlling them and damaging them if they couldn’t talk to him. Whatever I went through with him is between me and him. 

I grew as a mother. Now my kids are more fully themselves; they have a better relationship with their dad, and talk regularly to him. They even tell him what’s right and wrong. 

I realise that, without him, I wouldn’t have these three. I see too many parents look at what their partner did and drag their kids in, so they get caught in the middle. 

My kids love their father for who he is, not what he did. It’s really helped their mental health.

When a crisis happens, the first thing I do is ... pull away and go to a very silent place. I silence myself and take a deep breath. I ask, why did that happen? I deal with the emotional scenario. I might get angry, I will air-box and yell in a room but not directly at anyone. It’s like an anger release, then I’ve let all my stress out. I don’t lash out at people. 

Last piece of good advice you were given?  

My "eight-year-old coach", Zen, said, “You can beat anybody.” He’s always said this. He’s worked hard alongside me. We’re pretty close. What I love about kids is that what they say is authentic. Children keep it honest and raw; there’s no filtering like adults might do. He’ll tell me if what I’m doing is rubbish!

Best advice I can give? I had my first baby at 17. I wanted to be an adult and thought I was grown up but, actually, I never got to enjoy being a teenager. I tell my kids to enjoy being young, learn from their mistakes, make them now, because you can’t go back, you can only go forward. Enjoy secondary school, don’t try to be an adult too soon.