Money Answers: I left my partner, due to his gambling. Now how do I look after my child?

BusinessDesk investments editor Frances Cook responds to emails from readers each week, answering questions about money. Below, you will find her expert advice. Send your questions to [email protected].

Hi Frances,

I've been dealing with a big dilemma for a while. I'm in my mid-30s, getting paid an average wage, no more than 30 hours a week, as I have a toddler to look after and have just separated from my partner due to gambling issues.

The thing is, now I find myself desperate, thinking how I'm gonna manage to survive with my income. I was left with nothing due to his addiction, and I can't imagine how it would ever be possible for me to be able to save money and be in a better position.

Supporting all the bills, rent, food, etc, sounds very hard already.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? How to navigate this? I really need an insight from a clear mind because, right now, all I can focus on is the anxiety this is causing me.

Thank you so much!

D.

Hi D,

That’s a heavy load you’re carrying, and I’m not surprised you’re feeling anxious. 

I do have some recommendations for help, but before we get into that, I just want to take the time to say I think your bravery is so admirable. 

Gambling is a vicious, destructive addiction. It creates havoc not just for the addict but for those around them. 

The harm caused by it can seep far and wide, as I’m sure you know. But even when you see the destruction, it’s not easy to leave. This is someone you care about, who I’m sure you had hoped would get better. 

Left unchecked, the addiction might have left both you and your child with nothing. 

So, I’m sure you made a very hard decision, and now you’re left trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Many people would love to help support you. Let’s talk about ways to make that happen.

Moral support

The nuts and bolts of money will be very important because you can’t buy bread with good wishes. But I think it’s also important to value whatever community you can find at a time like this. 

From one toddler mum to another, it’s a rather intense age where our gorgeous babies need a lot from us. 

If you have family members who are willing to help, take them up on it. If you have mum friends you can vent to, do so. If you need to make new mum friends, maybe go to your local community Facebook page and put the word out that you’d like to meet other mums with similar interests, such as going for walks around the neighbourhood or playdates at each other’s houses. 

You could also meet other people who have been affected by gambling through the Problem Gambling Foundation. Meeting other people who’ve been through a similar experience can help process it and make you feel less alone.

As you say yourself, it’s hard to put a plan in place when it feels like the walls are closing in. People will want to get to know you and help support you, even if it’s just a listening ear. Let them.

Negotiate everything

For the bills, it’s time to see what you can reduce. 

Get a glass of wine (or whatever treat helps you get through it) and go through your bank account for the last month. 

Every regular bill needs to be checked. Do you need it? Is there a cheaper version available? 

Sometimes, a competitor has a cheaper offering that can be found with a quick Google search. Sometimes, your existing provider has a better deal they haven't bothered telling you about. Sometimes, just calling up to ask for a better deal can get you further. 

Almost every company is willing to negotiate, but New Zealanders tend not to ask because we get a bit shy. I’m afraid you don’t have that luxury any more. It’s time to make the call and at least ask the question. I think you’ll be surprised at the deals you can get. 

Tick off a couple of bills to renegotiate each day, and after a week, I’m hopeful you’ll have cut some of your core costs. 

Financial mentors

I think a financial mentor could also be helpful to make sure you’re getting all the help you’re entitled to. 

We have safety nets for exactly this reason, but sometimes the system is a maze to navigate, and it’s useful to have somebody who’s figured this all out before. 

The MoneyTalks team is wonderful and free to you. I got in touch with them to see what they'd recommend in your situation, and they agreed that it sounded like they could help. Here’s what they had to say: 

What she is going through is far more common than what we would like to believe, and the first thing I would say is she isn't alone. There is so much support out there; she definitely doesn't need to slog it out feeling isolated.

First and foremost, get in touch with a local financial mentor. 

Give MoneyTalks a call (0800 345 123) or a webchat message (www.moneytalks.co.nz), and we can find the right financial mentor that works for your specific needs (such as after-hours, Zoom, in person). 

We will send a referral on your behalf – and it's all free! We are open from 8am-8pm Mon-Fri, 9am-4pm Sat and 10am-2pm Sunday. 

The reason a financial mentor can help so much is that they will ensure you're receiving any entitlements from Work and Income NZ for you and your child. They can also put you in touch with someone who can help you with any legal inquiries you may have due to the separation.

They will also look at any debts you have and negotiate with creditors to help make payments more manageable, so you don't have to choose between food and paying the bills.

I also reached out to Christopher Walsh from MoneyHub, who has a wealth of knowledge on different resources available in NZ. Here’s what he had to say: 

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the strength of this decision. Gambling is often ignored, and the results are devastating.

The time to rebuild starts now. Here's what I suggest:

Get financial assistance

Work and Income is there to provide financial support to those in need – check to see if you're eligible for the Sole Parent Support or Accommodation Supplement to help with your living costs. 

Work and Income case managers assist hard-working parents like you every day, so ensure you're getting what you're entitled to – that's what it's for. The MoneyHub guide to single parenting and money has a lot of helpful tips to focus you and help you lose the anxiety. 

Budgeting services

I'd strongly suggest contacting a budget adviser to help you with a plan and to get moral support. They'll clarify your finances, offer solutions to cut expenses, and even communicate with creditors if you've inherited debt from your ex-partner.

Support groups 

Connecting with others who've been through similar situations can be emotionally therapeutic. The Problem Gambling Foundation can help. Contact it and ask for advice; its team is there to help those affected by a partner's gambling addiction.

Seek legal advice 

If your partner's gambling issues have left you with debts or other financial concerns, you might want to seek legal advice. 

Community Law Centres across NZ offer free legal advice and can guide you on your rights and potential solutions.

I know this is all a big shock, but with the right support and resources, you'll build back up again. Don't hesitate to ask for help. Too many ex-partners suffer in silence. 

You'll take one step at a time, but you now control your journey and your money.

Look at that – two more experts who were happy to give you their expertise for free to help you out. 

We’re all on your team. You’re not alone. You can do this. 

Send questions to [email protected] if you want to be featured in the column. Emails should be about 200 words, and we won't publish your name. Unfortunately, Frances is not able to respond to every email received or offer individual financial advice. 

Information in this column is general in nature and should not be taken as individual financial advice. Frances Cook and BusinessDesk are not responsible for any loss a reader may suffer.